


(as long as I'm breathing) I'll hold you upright

by galacticdrift (Ancalime)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Temporary Character Death, post ep 98
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23076106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ancalime/pseuds/galacticdrift
Summary: Everything is far away. But he's not in pain; can't feel or see anything but a gentle rocking motion, as if he's floating in a calm sea. So he lets himself drift and focuses on what he can hear, over the gentle sounds of the lapping waves around him.Count the sounds. Identify them.Post ep 98, a gift from the Wildmother: Fjord gets to eavesdrop. Title from The Western Den's "Hold You Upright."
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 5
Kudos: 189





	(as long as I'm breathing) I'll hold you upright

_**Listen.** _

Everything is far away. But he's not in pain; can't feel or see anything but a gentle rocking motion, as if he's floating in a calm sea. So he lets himself drift and focuses on what he can hear, over the gentle sounds of the lapping waves around him. _Count the sounds. Identify them._

The hiss of magic. Cracking, splintering ice and a snarl of pain. A groan, enough character to it that Fjord recognizes Orly just before it's cut short in a gurgle of pain. His heart sinks.

Approaching footsteps, urgent and heavy on the ship's deck. A low hum, the buzz of wings and rustle of chitin all around him. Strangely comforting.

Fjord recognizes Caduceus when he speaks but he's never heard him speak like _this_ \-- this clipped and guttural fury as he spits out verbal spell components Fjord doesn't recognize off the top of his head.

An incoherent exclamation and the sparking sizzle of divine magic; Jester, he gathers from the pitch and accent.

_**Listen, my paladin. Hear how much they all love you. How desperately they will fight for you.** _

The scream of his first mate drifts over the lapping waves, and he can make out her angry sobs and the smack of fists wildly impacting flesh. No monk's calm control, this. _You're supposed to be setting a good example in my absence_ , he thinks, with some bleak humor, a lump rising in his presumably-incorporeal throat.

He might as well indulge in humor, from where he understands that he is right now. Everything is out of his hands at the moment.

There's hissing speech he can't make out, and then a whip-crack rebuttal he catches just enough of to recognize the sharp lash of Caleb's Zemnian. Something shatters, and there's a cry of frustration in a language he doesn't know.

A slash of metal through flesh. Yasha's strident, triumphant voice.

 _I don't know_ why _they've come for me; I don't even have--_

_**Yes, you do. I told you: I could not free you from it, only help you bear it.** _

_..._

_Oh._

Fjord hears the others dispatching the remainder of the creatures, but the details fade into a gray blur for a time. There's a flurry of action, a crackle of magic and slashing metal, Jester's voice and Yasha's battle cry and Caleb's magic lashing out once more. The droning hum of the beetles spiking, then dropping away.

As the quiet descends, Fjord finds himself missing their reassuring hum.

_**Listen.** _

In the hushed aftermath of the combat, Fjord starts to pick up softer sounds. Beau's continued sobbing is hardly quiet, of course, but layered under it are others -- sniffles, broken murmurs of his name. Everything distant, as though he's adrift at sea and the ship is pulling away.

There's muffled, unintelligible speech, overlapping and interrupting, but Fjord can't catch any of the details, until with a jolt he hears Caduceus, as if from scant inches away. Surely if Fjord turned his head, he would feel lips brush against his forehead.

"Wildmother, please." His voice is choked and wobbling. "Don't take him away from me just when You've given me back my family. Please, I'm not ready, I don't want to lose him when we haven't even-- I haven't even told him that I--"

_Oh, Caduceus._

"Please. I love him and he doesn't _know_ and I'm not ready, I'm not ready for this to be the end of it--"

_I knew._

_I'm sorry, to have been so afraid the things I saw weren't really there. But I knew._

Fjord sucks in a breath. Sucks in a _real_ breath, abruptly, the drumming of the rain washing over him, the sounds of his friends crying all around. Every inch of his body hurts, his heart perhaps worst of all, but he lifts his aching arms to wrap them around Caduceus and draw his head down.

"Fjord--"

"I knew, Caduceus, my heart, my love, I knew, I knew, I _know_." He presses his lips to the tear tracks cutting down Cad's face and feels a dizzying rush of healing magic as Caduceus pulls him closer. He continues to pepper Cad's face with kisses. "I'm sorry I was too afraid to talk to you about it. I love you. No snea snake-- _sea snake_ will take me from you so easily or so soon."

A rush of warm air tickles his neck as Caduceus huffs out a weak laugh. He's shaking, or maybe Fjord is, or maybe both of them are. Dragging his eyes away from Caduceus for a moment, Fjord sees Beau crouched next to them, tears still running down her face.

"First mate," he says, swallowing hard, and spreads an arm, into which Beau falls immediately and without hesitation. There's a patter of feet across the deck before a warm weight slams into him and Beau from behind.

"Fjord! I had to go take care of Orly-- we were so worried about you." Jester's voice is muffled against his shoulder as she squirms closer.

"I know. Thank you, Jester. I can't--" He has to swallow again and clear his throat. "I-- the Wildmother, she let me-- listen in, I think. I can't thank you all enough for how hard you fought for me."

"Of course we fought for you, Fjord," Jester says against his skin. Her face safely ducked and hidden, Beau scoffs, as if he were a fool for thinking it could have been any other way.

He is a fool.

_**\--listen--** _

The voice is smaller now, more distant, but Fjord still catches it.

Veth pulls Caleb in as well, scrabbling in under one of Cad's long arms until he unfurls it, looping around them both, and behind Fjord, next to Jester, he catches sight of Yasha sinking to her knees and leaning into Caduceus in support, her grip strong around both Cad's shoulders and Fjord's.

Rain patters on the deck, and the occasional wave slaps against the ship's hull. The canvas of the sails billows and snaps, the mast and the hull creaking. Around him, he can hear them all breathing, the rustle of their clothes as they shift position here and there.

His loved ones. All of them.


End file.
